Mrs B – Lessons from 20 years of experience. Surviving and Thriving as a Military Spouse

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Twenty years. Twenty incredible, challenging, rollercoaster years. That’s how long I’ve been a part of the military community as – a wife of a Soldier, an ex-wife of a Soldier, a wife again (of a Royal Marine this time), and now as a mother of a Soldier. What can I say? I must be a glutton for punishment! Despite its ups and downs, this lifestyle has become my world, giving me a sense of fulfilment I never thought possible. However, there were moments of loneliness—especially when my children were young (imagine having four under the age of eight in the early 2000s!). Without much family support, it sometimes felt like the walls were closing in.

For those finding themselves in the thick of this unique, often demanding life, here are five lessons from someone who’s been there. Hopefully, these tips help you thrive, not just survive.

1. Don’t Accept the Bare Minimum From Your Partner

One thing I’ve learned is that being in the military doesn’t excuse poor behaviour. Yet, I’ve seen partners justify it with phrases like, “Oh, he hasn’t called in two weeks because he’s in work mode,” or, “He had to blow off steam—it’s part of the culture.” 

Stop right there.

We all deserve to have fun and unwind, but respect should always go both ways. Unless your partner is on deployment or in situations where communication is genuinely restricted (shoutout to submarine and SF spouses!), there’s no excuse for going radio silent. Likewise, behavior like excessive drinking at Mess meetings, disrupting the household, or ignoring family responsibilities builds resentment. Hold each other to a standard of mutual respect—it’s the foundation of any strong relationship.

2. Don’t Let Anyone Pull Rank on You

A partner doesn’t wear their spouse’s rank—period. It’s frustrating when people use their spouse’s position to elevate themselves, and equally annoying when others are made to feel inferior because of it. If someone tries to pull rank on you, stand your ground. Patch life should be a community, not a hierarchy.

And here’s a tip for those on the other side: If your partner gets promoted or is an Officer, resist the temptation to act like royalty. We’re all in this together.

3. Use Support Services—They’re There for a Reason

The military offers incredible support systems. Whether you’re dealing with heavy challenges like I did or just need a listening ear, resources are out there. For me, the Welfare Centre was a lifeline during tough times, helping me navigate my ex-husband’s struggles with alcohol dependency. Their support was instrumental in giving me and my kids a safer environment. I’ve also used Combat Stress and free counselling services to get through dark periods.  Even if you just need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone, and there are people who genuinely want to help.

4. Embrace Change—It Can Be an Adventure

Moving every few years can feel like an enormous hassle, but it’s also an opportunity. How many people get to live in different places, experience new cultures, and meet incredible people—all while having housing and moves covered? Not many.

Yes, it’s daunting, especially with kids, but some of your best memories and closest friendships will come from these transitions. For those lucky enough to score an overseas posting—embrace it with both arms. We haven’t had that opportunity yet, but I remain hopeful!

5. Prioritise Yourself—You Deserve It

Military life comes with a hundred reasons to put yourself last: “He’s away again,” “I have no babysitter,” “I miss him too much to go out.” Sound familiar? It’s time to break that cycle. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

Even small gestures matter. A relaxing bath, a night out with friends, or a simple walk can do wonders for your mental health. And don’t be afraid to lean on your community. I’ll always be grateful for a friend who lived four doors down and stepped in to help with my kids when I was at my wit’s end. Look after yourself—you deserve it.

Military life is tough, but it’s also rewarding. Being a military spouse comes with challenges, but it also offers unique opportunities. Remember, you’re never truly alone—there’s always someone at the end of a phone, keyboard, or cup of coffee. So fasten your safety bar, hold on tight, and embrace the wild ride. 

Trust me, the best is yet to come.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. B x